Saturday, May 28, 2011

Keeping up with the Joneses

It's so easy to compare your life with those around you. Call it envy, jealousy, pretend it's hopeful or wishful thinking, be it from peer pressure, comments from family, brainwashing by the media, or just thinking that the grass is greener "over there" - at some point, we all want what someone else has.
One reason why I like my 101 Things list, is that I think it will help me appreciate what I do have in my life, as opposed to focusing on what I don't have. At a point where 95% of my friends are in a relationship, getting married, already married, have babies or are having babies, is it so wrong that I feel a little envious/jealous/sad/depressed/grumpy about it?

I don't think about this everyday, but certain events definitely set it off. This is one of them. Tonight is the Ex's Buck & Doe. Why do I know this? Well, several people told me about the Facebook event, and since I was in the mood for some masochistic pain, I looked it up. I'm like an elephant when it comes to dates/times/information that I don't want to remember! 

Please don't misunderstand, this isn't a case of "getting over him" - But why does he get to move on first?
Sometimes I think that I need to go out and be busy all of the time - how else can I show that things are alright in my life? It's almost like the alternative of staying home will only show how pathetic and lonely I am (I'm not!) On the flip side, I worry that if I stay home, I will start to cocoon myself away from the rest of the world, and miss out on the life that is outside, passing me by.

This feeling goes beyond the relationship realm. I've always worked hard, from high school, through university and teacher's college, I always had a job, or multiple jobs. I'm a good worker, outside of the fact that I am always running 10 minutes behind. I get things done, I look out for my employer's best interest, I'm always a fan of where I am working (for the most part!)
And yet, despite all of that, the fact that I am working as a teacher, that I've never been unemployed for longer than a month, I am broke.
How long can a person tread water before they drown in their debt?
This week I had to, pathetically, call my Mother to ask for money. I felt like vomiting when I did it. In the past few months my Dad & my Mom have been amazing, helping me to get my finances under control and back on track. But there is still a ways to go, and 3 months before I get paid under my new full-time contract.
All around me I see my friends being able to plan vacations, go shopping, heck, even fill up their gas tanks without thinking about it. It kills me that I keep backing out of non-Hamilton related activities because I can't stomach the thought of buying an extra tank of gas for anything.
I'm tired of having to think about every cent I spend, and feeling guilty when I buy something that I need. I'm almost 30, shouldn't I be able to support myself by now?

Inevitably these two issues are connected, as all things in life tend to be. How can I solve my money problems? Find someone who will love and support me enough to get me out of debt! How can I solve my relationship problems? Cough up some money for Internet dating!
Sorry, but neither of those options appeal to me.
1) I actually believe that there is still a chance that I will meet someone in person, who will be interested enough to ask me out. It's sad how many people DON'T think that this will happen for me anymore. I'm afraid to hear the reasons why that is...
2) I don't want to feel like a man is going to fix my money problems. Depending on an figurative boyfriend to come along and pay some of my bills off for me? How pathetic! Not to mention, how much of a factor do I want to make a potential partner's income?

No Things update today - not much has happened this week, what with how busy work as been. Hopefully I'll get a little summary written up before the weekend is through. As for this post, it was off topic from the goal of this blog, I know, but I needed to get this out. Maybe my lousy mood will go away when I publish this post. Or maybe the sun will come out and help melt away some grumpiness. Stranger things have happened, right?

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